God Made You Special (Unfinished, Rough, Bad)

by 1999

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about

At the time of recording, I only knew how to play the ukulele. This will never be finished. Please don't listen to it.

Dedicated to.

credits

released July 4, 2015

Madison Southard - Album Cover
Ben Pierce - Music

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all rights reserved

about

1999 Chicago, Illinois

1999 is Ben Pierce and a group of other musicians making very exciting stuff together. Partially based in Nashville and Rochester, NY.

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Track Name: We Want: Names & Numbers
End conversations,
Cut all connections
rip out your DSL lines
Some hope for healing
Some pray for death
But we'll be just fine

Start conversations:
I'm getting older
And someday I will die
We're constellations
Not ever changing
From how we're first identified

And we want answers to all our questions
Before we even ask them
And all our projects are asymptotic
Because we don't believe in them

But if I do believe in you
Could you believe in me too

The things you told me
Were so concerning
You wrote your own tombstone
I hope by now you've
Found some true closure
In never coming home

But maybe you were always lying
As hard as you could lie
Maybe your parents were only trying
As hard as they could try

And if I do believe in you
Could you believe in me too
Track Name: God Made You Special
She was sucked like a snake out of heaven
Into the jet of a seven forty seven
Warblers whimpered and wept
On the day that she left
And her family was stricken
With second thoughts

She was stuck like a stake in my heart
She was left out alone from the start
And I came to her aid
In the fortress she made
Out of sticks and of stones
And of second thoughts

She is an ant-worm, out of place
Too low to fly, too young to soar with grace
She is a worm out of place

But she
Is sharp as a tack
And as bold as a cold morning—no going back
And she said she didn’t believe in herself to stay living
And the last thing I said on the phone is I think you are lying

She died trying
She died crying and clawing
And cleansing and craving and cutting and calling
And every night she would show me the scars on her shoulders
And every day we would sneak off just so I could hold her
And make her feel better again
Track Name: Shotgun Seat, Interlude 1
I'm gonna die in a car someday!

Like water down the drain I don’t know what I want until it is gone
Going 90 down a highway with the radio on
Thinking ‘bout the time the sprinklers rusted shut on my lawn
And all my plants died
And I don’t think I can remember any lovelier face
So deeply twisted into tragedy. A terrible place
Would be the base for all our foolhearted forays into space.

And I don’t know what to say
You’re just a figment of a figment of a figment of a girl, you're a piece of my life that’s long gone away
And I don’t know what to say
I don’t know what to say
But I’m gonna die in a car someday

Don’t blame the medication, try to listen to me if you can
I know that you don’t wanna be some medicine man
But you're already the only sitting soul in the stands
The bright side notwithstanding there’s a world that’s waiting for you and me
So let me show you how exciting this existence can be
Livin’ numbly

And living on a razorblade
The only family I ever had was the family I had to make
Do you want to see inside
The other side of pain, I can make it go away,
gonna die in a car someday


[Morning rose a sweet sleeping daughter from her bed
And the nightgown she was wearing was so classic, out of an old movie
And her naked body underneath made the viewer uncomfortable
She’s too fragile, too dependent, she isn’t right, no, she’s wrong
And the camera pans to the other side of the bed
And the other girl still asleep is wrapped up tight in blankets
It’s too cold today, the waking one says aloud
And she doesn’t want to have to go to work
And she knows she has to go to work because she’s an adult now
She’s a barista at the Starbucks down the street—it’s the first real job she’s ever had
And she’s been seeing this girl for at least a month and a half now
And she sees girls her age smoking on the streets, or in porn or on magazine covers
And the white of her nightgown is so perfect, it’s impossible
Because in these movies, everything is impossible]

Bullets in my brain may bleed a ruby rhapsody out of time
But you’re gonna be fine
You’re gonna be fine
Without me

And there’s nobody to blame
The only voice of reason that I had was silenced long before you came
And there’s nothing left to say
If I want to go that way, let me go that way,
Cuz I’m gonna die in a car someday
Track Name: Until We Fall
I am so dysphoric
blame it on a lack of new sensation
I am made of sugar
I am shipped out from some island nation
Blame my parents
Blame the way they taught me how to be a liar
Or the people who cut down the wood
Just to fuel my fire

I wrote a song, I wrote a song about you every night
I played a game I played the game the game of oversight
I caught a cold I held myself against your body weight
We caught a cold for which we'd touch so to self-medicate

You broke my heart you broke my heart long since it finished healing
You flew accusing me of actions I'd not thought of doing
And understand you forced my hand you forced me to come clean when
You called me and said that you would never see daylight again

I have no sense of anything that's greater than myself
You have no sense at all
So while we lose our godly presence
To ungodly adolescence
Let's appreciate that this isn't our fault

Because excuses come to you and I
Like a lantern draws a swarm of flies
And we won't say our last goodbyes
Til we fall into the flame

If every voice, if every vice or virtue's vocalized then
I must conclude I must assume that we have bastardized them
Call me a cynic, call me crazy, call me self-conflated
But you're a song I need to write before I lose my head

My first words were "I don't understand"
And your last words were "you don't understand"
And every day is different though each moment feels the same
I walk out the door, come back for more, and do it all again

Because excuses come to you and I
Like a lantern draws a swarm of flies
And the ant-worms sing sweet lullabies
As we fall into the flame

Long ago I internalized the concept of solipsism
And the inherent relativity of the life that I am livin'
And I build my reality using the tools that I am given
Just like you build yours using the tools given to you

And you are so dysphoric
Blame it on a lack of good vibrations
You are made of sugar
Melt away at slightest provocations
I'll blame your parents
They're the ones who couldn't trust their only daughter
I'll blame everybody
Spread the blame until it doesn't matter

Because excuses come to you and I
Like a lantern draws a swarm of flies
And a single, perfect, cinematic tear falls from my eye
As we fall into the flame

Because excuses come to you and I
Like a lantern draws a swarm of flies
And we won't ever give up on our lies
Until we fall into the flame
Track Name: State of Body
Hike the highest peak
Or choose to do without
I don't know if I live my life
Or if I'm just acting it out

(All stories start and end with me)

Call your friends at night
Claim to end it all
So that they don't forget
That you exist at all

Your parents don’t fall for it anymore
They don't believe anything you say anymore

And when your friends talk
You can blame them for your pain
You can bring them down down with you
If they dare mention your name

Your crass accusations convicted me
Your past kept me safe in reality

Don't follow him down that road again
Don't follow him down that road ever again

Because there is no better way to kill a fly
Then to kill it before it hits the air
If you do it all right and all cleanly
Then nobody will care
[fem. repeat with next verse as background vocals]
Introductions consume you
Reputations subsume you
You made yourself broken
And I wanted to fix you
Introductions consume you
Reputations subsume you
You made yourself broken
And I wanted to fix you

There's a cutter for every musician
There's a vulnerable girl for every poet to write about

(I am a story to tell
And if no one else is gonna tell it, then I will)
Don't follow him down that road again

(Hike the highest peak
Or choose to do without
I don't know if I live my life
Or if I'm just acting out)

Don't follow him down that road
Ever again

Oh, when the morning comes
They will find you in your room
They were not so kind
They were not so good
This will show them
Oh, when the morning comes
They will find you in your room
They were not so kind
They were not so good
This will show them

(I won't follow him down that road again)
Oh, when the morning comes
They will find you in your room
(I won't follow him down that road again)
They were not so kind
They were not so good
This will show them
(I won't follow him down that road again)
Oh, when the morning comes
They will find you in your room
(I won't follow him down that road again)
They were not so kind
They were not so good
This will show them
(All stories start and end with me)
Track Name: Interlude 2 (Whistles)
Trains blow whistles from three o’clock until four thirty
The hollow sound, it wakes me up and keeps me up every time
Twenty years and two months ago
I was told by my mother that I could be anything
Just like every other mother tells every other girl in the world
And she kissed me on the cheek as she sent me off to school for the first time

In my apartment by the railway
With my mattress on the floor
I’m used to hearing sounds
People don’t hear anymore
I will always live alone
And I’m okay with living alone
And I’m okay if I live here forever

Nail biting habit’s gonna get me sooner or later
It’s gonna eat me out of house and hall
I stand and I stutter, muttering
a morning prayer, my day begins so daintily, delicately

Static foams the floorboards
Of my life-and-death motel
I was made to wear a halo
Is it heaven, is it hell

I will always live alone
And I’m okay with living alone
And I’m okay if I live here forever

Plants all need a water
For to soak up all the loam
In the morning, I am peaceful;
Between whistles, I am home.
Track Name: State of Mind
Airplanes crashing overseas
Things that get out of hand, or got out of hand
There’s a special place in the sky for the people you love
And although you probly blame me
I know we were too young in turn to understand
There’s a special place in the sky for the people you love
There’s a special place in the sky for the people you love

Is it the day
Is it the night
Is it the songs that she loved, or the drugs that she took
That led her to stay out all night
Is it the way
That she stuttered in fright
On the day that she told me she can’t live without me
And now that I say it, she might’ve been right

I was just seventeen
I had you in the palm of, the palm of my hand
There’s a special place in the sky for the people you love

It’s a dangerous place for a boy to be
Held responsible for something he can’t understand
There’s a special place in the sky for the people you love
There’s a special place in the sky for the people you love

Is it the day
Is it the night
Is it the songs that she loved, or the drugs that she took
That led her to stay out all night
Is it the way
That she stuttered in fright
On the day that she told me she can’t live without me
And I’m terrified that she might have been right

Aaaaaaaaahhhh
Aaaaaaaaahhhh
Aaaaaaaaahhhh
There's a special place in the sky for the people you love
So love
So love
So love
So love

Is it the day
Is it the night
Is it the songs that she loved, or the drugs that she took
That led her into that good night
Is it the way
That she stuttered in fright
On the day that she told me she can’t live without me
And I
Track Name: Constellations
Constellations string between your ears,
Like a tryst of dirty clothes
Like a woman and a man and a family
A broken line on a tin-can telephone

You’re so much less quiet by yourself
You’re a picture of perfect health
You’re a bitch but you know it
And you’re terrified your friends all think you’re so cold

You aren’t cold
You aren’t cold
You aren’t cold
I promise you, you aren’t cold

And as mail-room days go by, you hold out hope
Like a sheet hung on a rope
You are formed out of bones made for bristling
You’re the gristle and guts left of childhood ruts

You are black and blue, I am blue and green
You’re all natural and mean
Life’s a bitch, but you know it
And you know that soon you will start getting old

You aren’t old
You aren’t old
You aren’t old
You will never be old

And it's not too late

And I wanna smile
But I know that I can’t
Because I know
That you are watching me
For you, I turn down the dial
I freeze the frame, I pause the game
I am to you what the coastline is to the sea
Because I’m the end of you, and you’re the start of me
Track Name: Special Suit, Interlude 3
When you died, I realized I didn’t know all that much
When you died, I realized, I hadn’t done all that much
So I learned to play guitar
I got obsessed with who you are
And who you could have been

I do have a brain problem
But I don’t have a brain tumor

Find the heart of who your father figure was
Say no to useless sex, and other drugs
Be diligent and kind
And be resilient, all the time
And be good to the people who aren’t good to you

Because no one at all is gonna be good to you
No one, not at all, no one
is ever gonna be selfless for you
So that’s why you have to be selfless...for you

you told me once that you were walking through the woods
And you saw a man dressed in a white suit
Out of the corner of your eye, and you told me you were scared of him
but you said you aren't scared of anything

So if you want to find meaning you can’t find it in attention
There's inherent value to who you are, and who you can be
What you are is you’re worth it
What you aren’t is special
What you are is a beast that has no name

And I don’t miss you
But I wish I could say all this to you

But why should I care? You threw me under the
Bus and I can’t remember the
Good times without the bad times
Coming back again

You told me once in the middle of the night
You said that whenever you are by yourself
You see a man in a white suit out of the corner of your eye
And I still think you were lying

And God only knows that every losing
battle, every obstacle,
every time you are hated—
these are the only ways to grow

But would you choose to grow, and would I choose to grow
And would I would I could I choose to change
Or am I still in love with
Saving us from ourselves

Well,
Is one last great indulgence
Going to be enough
To free me from you
To free me from you, oh
Is one last great indulgence
Going to be enough
To free me from you
To free me from you, oh
Is one last great indulgence
Going to be enough
To free me from you
To free me from you, oh
Is one last great indulgence
Going to make things right?
We were two unhealthy people
Living one unhealthy life

Your story was too short
To be worth so little
For the ending to feel so small
The world you tried to make
Without you to live in it
Is worth nothing at all

You are a story to tell
And if no one else is gonna tell it, then I will
Cuz I'm the one that left you to
Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee

She’s a grown woman now, fast forward 20 minutes
She still sees people her age smoking on the street, and in porn, and on magazine covers

And her kid is smart, though he’s young, and her husband is smart, though he’s old
And she spends every day happy, because God Made Her Special

She doesn’t have a name, she never did and never will
And she’s the most beautiful girl in the world
And her body is made of light and golden butterflies
And she's whatever she wants to be

And she’s going to die at the end of this song and she knows it
And maybe she’s already dead, maybe this is a part of her life that she never even got to in the first place
And the film was never a film, was it, she says to the camera

There will be riots tonight
As it dawns on the audience that the whole thing was an elaborate and contrived construct
Sophomoric and jumbled and redundant and selfish and worthless
And nothing is worth anybody’s time, maybe that’s what they’ll learn
But everyone is naked under their own clothes, and that’s the moral of the story, and good night everybody, and good night everybody, and good night everybody, and good night everybody, and good night everybody go back to where you came from
Track Name: What Has No Name
My brother brought a marigold to me
A swift and stubborn whiff of Pharisee
The lesions leaving lines across my skin
The mark upon the head that I am in
The beauty of the last original sin

The bruises on my body bleed internally
The hum inside my head is cracking angrily
And then there sits me
I am the last great American peacock, please forgive me

I leave a downy glow
In footprints in the snow
As I retreat into the reeds forevermore

A forest free from avarice and cold
A chance you never had of growing old
A braid, made out of broken hearts and blame
You stayed up all night, then never were the same
While churches try to call what has no name

The chances that you had decreased so silently
Every night I have a dream so strong and steadily
It’s just you and me
We are the last of a dead nation, we are free

You’re resting on my arm
In the fire, free from harm
While churches all around can’t speak your name

In time the times will change
But some things will stay the same
As peacocks preen their feathers blue and green
In spite of you, and me
I still believe in you, Ruby
And you will be with me when we are all washed clean